look no pants
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
