I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
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