Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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