I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Sober January is a disaster.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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