how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
