Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Of course I have a pirate flag
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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