it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
