trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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