I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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