My sheets look like a crime scene.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
