y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
