just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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