The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
