Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
