I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
