first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
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