My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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