what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
it hurts more in the daytime
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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