If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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