That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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