Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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