You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
