that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
