I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
