everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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