I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Randomize
