dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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