yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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