Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
