Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
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We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
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If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
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