Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
