Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
