he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
