On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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