ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
