i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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