Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I want you more than these girls want KFC
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
