Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
