I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
