is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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