I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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