I cannot find my penis.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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