if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
