You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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