I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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