My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
