I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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