He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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