i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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