i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
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