Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
