so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
