remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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