What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
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