I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
