There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He better not be in your backpack
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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