So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
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I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
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I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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