Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
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