Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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