How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
