remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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